Getting back to the basics

Hi Gents,

Any info/guidelines lol even motivation will be appreciated.

Long story short, I quit my bodybuilding lifestyle around 6-7months back due to me losing my job and battling two addictions I never excpected (meth/gambling) and ended up losing everything and i mean everything. I overcame most of my bad habits but still working on it. I hate myself,I feel do
Disgusting and useless for losing everything I worked so hard for...litetally everything. Bodybuilding/nutrition/fitness was and still is the only thing that fills me might sound stupid but Its the only thing I can live 24/7 and never get tired even tho i gave everything up not a day goes by that I wish I never skipped a session or a meal. Looking at how fat, weak pathetic ive become compared to who I was... Words cant describe and to add I was on cycle for two years straight no break no pct and stopped cold turkey... To sum things up a normal month would look like this (injections/orals/) diet was on point everyday three years straight fuck man I was kak hungry 24/7 eating 8meals a day now I eat barely

Please understand I was stupid and irresponsible in my gear usage but I always got my bloods doon and liver heart and kidney are above normalin the healthy range.

Gear I mostly ran straight two years switched up the gear but always tren/test another anabolic. I would double the amount below but stayd on the amounts most of the time except orals would only be used svery 2nd month with breaks
(weekly dosages)split m/w/f
500-975mg sustanon
250-500mg test e
200-400mg tren e
100mg tren hex a
150-200mg tren a
400-600mg equipoise

Orals/anti e
Dbol 40-60mg ed
Winstrol 50-100mg ed
M1t 20-40mg ed
Supedrol 30mg ed
Keifei parabol tabs 1-2mg a day
Aromasen through out the period
Caber incase my prolactin got to much
T3 on and off
Keifeitropin/eutropin/hdrdna hgh about 6months
Used some dnp here and there

And then I stopped after my life took a bad turn so I went through hell physically, hormones all messed up etc. Lost around 20kg of muscle and I can only blame myself. How do I get back into eating 8meals a day training everyday likE i used to how do i get my mindset back to what it was and better.... I dont feel sorry for myself i just need outside opinions because I have no one to talk to about this

You sound like an extremist. Did you complete a long term treatment, 6+ months? If you have you will know that now trying to put all that intensity on your body is not recommended. You need balance. 8 meals a day is allot of food and at 150kgs I was only eating 6. Empire has showed me how I can eat 4 meals a day for my MUCH smaller frame now. If you put the effort in at gym your hunger will come back. It sounds like you are still very raw and you should be focusing on safety nets now more than anything else. Go back, its OK to be smaller, its OK to be weak. And slowly build up your frame.. You need to go do a comprehensive blood panel and see where you at. You might need to run a very rigid PCT by being on the gear that long and just stopping. You need your body as balanced as can be. Understand one thing, hormone shifts WILL cause cravings, specially when you starting to feel good your body will then want to feel even better, careful.

if im not wrong your profile picture..
this guy is owing alot of people money..

I know he is on the list with some debt collectors.

if its not you on picture please remove you can get shit.

If that is you in your profile picture please remove it.

This may sound harsh, however, if you are using all those compounds and have the addictive personality that you have shown us, you need a psychologist and a psychiatrist more than gear.

I don't mean to be a dick, but those dosages, you are a statistic and a bad name to gear usage waiting to happen.

if you can't eat, you won't grow no matter what gear you are using. Get your training sorted, your eating sorted, come back in 6 months and ask the same questions. But I am steering clear of giving you any kind of advice past this.