Jokes for 2011

This thread is dedicated to all jokes for 2011.

John got off the elevator on the 50th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said.

"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Spot, my dog, while you're waiting?" He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hand...s, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through."

The dog followed John onto the balcony and started rolling over. John made a hoop with his arms and Spot jumped through--over the balcony railing. Just then John's date walked out.

"Isn't Spot the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?"

"To tell the the truth, " he replied, "Spot seemed a little depressed to me!"



What Women Know About Men
1. What is the thinnest book in the world?

What Men Know About Women.

...2. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One . . . . . men will screw anything.

3. How does a man take a bubble bath?

He eats beans for dinner.

4. Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning?

Because they don’t have balls to scratch.

5. What is a man’s idea of foreplay?

A half hour of begging.

6. How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?

He’s breathing.

7. What is the difference between men and government bonds?

Bonds mature.

8. What do men and beer bottles have in common.
...
They are both empty from the neck up.

9. How can you tell if a man is happy?

Who cares?

10. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

No one knows. . . . . .It’s never been done.

11. How are men and parking spaces alike?

The good ones are already taken, and the ones left are handicapped.

12. What is a man’s idea of helping you with housework?

Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

‎13. What is the difference between men and E.T.?

E.T. called home.

14. What does a man consider a seven course meal?
...
A hot dog and a six-pack of beer.

15. Do you know why there’s a hole in a man’s penis?

So he can get air to his brain.

16. How do you save a man from drowning?

Take your foot off his head.

17. How is a man like linoleum?

If you lay him right the first time, you can walk all over him for the next twenty years.

niks is so lekker as om te lag nie!!!!!!!!!!! beste meds!!!

This year we will experience 4 unusual dates.... 1/1/11, 1/11/11, 11/1/11, 11/11/11 .... NOW go figure this out.... take the last 2 digits of the year you were born plus the age you will be this year and it WILL EQUAL TO 111!...

Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely, Unicorns

Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection.
Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely, Logic

Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.
Sincerely, The Titanic

Dear J.K. Rowling,
Your books are entirely unrealistic. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends?
Sincerely, Anonymous

Dear America,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely, Canada

Dear Boyfriend,
I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.
Sincerely, Spiders

Dear Voldemort,
So they screwed up your nose too?
Sincerely, Michael Jackson

Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying...
Sincerely, Google

Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.
Sincerely, BP

Dear Mary,
Just admit that you slept with someone else. This is getting out of hand.
Sincerely, Joseph

Dear 2010,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!
Sincerely, 1985

Dear Justin Bieber,
Ariel would really love her voice back.
Sincerely, King Triton

Dear Rose,
There was definitely room on that raft for the both of us.
Sincerely, Jack

Dear Windshield Wipers,
Can't touch this.
Sincerely, That Little Triangle

Dear Taylor Swift,
If it is of any interest to you, Romeo and Juliet both kill themselves in the end.
Sincerely, Shakespeare

Dear Soccer Fans,
B B B B B B Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z
Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z!
Sincerely, Vuvuzelas

Dear Saturn,
I liked it, so I put a ring on it.
Sincerely, God

Dear Rubik's Cube,
Done!
Sincerely, Colorblind

Dear Santa,
Please tell me how you managed to stop at three Ho's.
Sincerely, Tiger Woods

Dear Boys Wearing Skinny Jeans,
I. Can't. Breathe.
Sincerely, Your Balls

Dear Martin Luther King Jr.,
I have a dream within a dream within a dream within another dream... What now?
Sincerely, Leonardo DiCaprio

Dear Sleeping Beauty,
I had to join the army, dress up like a man, defeat the hun army and totally save China for my man.
All you had to do was wake up.
Sincerely, Mulan

Dear Romeo,
My death isn't the only thing I've been faking...
Sincerely, Juliet

Dear Fox News,
So far, no news about foxes.
Sincerely, Unimpressed

Dear Sex Educators,
Abstinence is only 99.99% effective.
Sincerely, The Virgin Mary

Dear Toaster,
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn?
Sincerely, Toast

Dear Edward,
I really hope that one day, I can find my way into your heart.
Sincerely, a stake


Dear Prince Charming,
You've got some explaining to do!
Sincerely, Cinderella, Snow White, Rapunzel, and Sleeping Beauty

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SSShhhhhhhhh..... don't tell anyone. ..
I think , FNB, Standard Bank, Nedbank and ABSA are bankrupt .
Yesterday I tried to draw money at all their ATM's, and I got the same message
"Insufficient Funds"
They too don’t have cash
Types of salaries


WHICH ONE IS YOURS ??


1. ONION SALARY
• YOU GRAB IT, YOU OPEN IT , YOU CRY

2. STORM SALARY
• YOU DON'T KNOW WHEN IT'S COMING OR GOING

3. MENSTRUAL SALARY
• IT COMES ONCE A MONTH AND LASTS ONLY A FEW DAYS

4. MAGIC SALARY
• YOU TOUCH IT AND IT DISAPPEARS

I'M SURE THERE IS ONE THAT YOU ARE FAMILIAR WITH!!!!!

Dear...


Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection.
Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely, Logic

Dear Prince Charming,
You've got some explaining to do!
Sincerely, Cinderella, Snow White, Rapunzel and Sleeping Beauty

Dear Toaster,
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn?
Sincerely, Toast

Dear Romeo,
My death isn't the only thing I've been faking...
Sincerely, Juliet

Dear Boys Wearing Skinny Jeans,
I. Can't. Breathe.
Sincerely, Your Balls

Dear Santa,
Please tell me how you managed to stop at three Ho's.
Sincerely, Tiger Woods

Dear Beyonce,
Saturn, the planet, I liked it, so I put a ring on it!!
Sincerely, God

Dear Rubik's Cube,
Done!
Sincerely, Colorblind

Dear Windshield Wipers,
Can't touch this!!
Sincerely, That Little Triangle @ the corner of the windsheild

Dear Justin Bieber,
Ariel would really love her voice back.
Sincerely, King Triton

Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead!!!!
Sincerely, BP

Dear Mary,
Just admit that you slept with someone else. This is getting out of hand.
Sincerely, Joseph

Dear Boyfriend,
I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.
Sincerely, Spider

Dear Voldemort,
So they screwed up your nose too?
Sincerely, Michael Jackson

Dear J.K. Rowling,
Your books are entirely unrealistic. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends?
Sincerely, Anonymous

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise


I, the
Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,



P. Niss



The Response


Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have
raised, the administration rejects your request for the following
reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do
not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other
locations.

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in
order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing
the

Correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed
the assigned task..

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and
exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

V. Gina

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I got this on mail today, its pretty funny, and a touchy topic on this forum

POWERBALANCE BANDS:)

jinjahead wrote: I got this on mail today, its pretty funny, and a touchy topic on this forum

POWERBALANCE BANDS:)

Haha, nogal wat ek gedink het...

Russa vs the USA


Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian.

He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!"

The wrestler nodded in agreement.

Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold!

A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.

Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air.

The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face.

I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"

Randy the rooster


This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster.

The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy; he'll service every chicken you've got. No problem."

Well, Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy.

The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk...

"Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here and you cost me a lot of money and I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle.

Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points towards the hen house and Randy took off like a shot ~WHAM~ He nails every hen on there THREE or FOUR times and the farmer is just shocked.

Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake ~WHAM~ He gets all the geese.

Randy's up in the pigpen. He's in with the cows. Randy is jumping on every animal the farmer owns.

The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day.

Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy in the middle of the yard looking like he is dead from exhaustion.

Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Randy opens one eye, nods towards the sky and say's, "Shhh. They're getting closer..."

For those that can't park their cars. Print this flyer and put it under the window wiper.

fokkendoos.blogspot.com/

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admin, that is the funniest thing i have seen in my entire life... i love that site!

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LETTER TO EDGARS IN JOHANNESBURG - THE ENDING IS JUST MAGIC.

Dear Sir/Madam

I acknowledge receipt of your letter dated 7 nov 2009 in which for the 3rd time, you request that I pay the monies owed to you. I first want you to know that by no means do I dispute my debt and I intend to pay as soon as possible.

However I would like to bring to your attention that you are not my only creditor. I have many more creditors, quite as honourable and important as you, and whom I wish to pay too. That is why, each month, I throw all the names of my creditors into a hat and draw one randomly. The one drawn is paid immediately.

I hope that yours will come out shortly.

Sincerely Yours,
Sipho

PS: I regret to inform you that, given the harsh and threatening tone of your last letter, you will not be taking part in the next three draws.
__,_._,___

Why Is Sex Like Riding A Bike?

1. You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.

2. It's best to wear protective head-gear when going into unfamiliar territory.

3. You can do it with no hands, but it's best not to try it until you have a lot of experience.

4. It's easier to learn with the help of someone who has a lot of experience.

5. You can do it by yourself, but it's usually not as much fun.

6. It's usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try.

7. It's best to have a soft place to land.

8. You don't need any special clothing, but you can get some if you are really into it.

9. If you're with someone who is having trouble keeping up, it's usually best to slow down and wait for them.

10. Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first time.

11. Once you learn, you never forget how.

12. If you fall off get right back on.

13. If you get a flat, try pumping it back up.

14. Remember to signal before you change direction.

15. Make sure that you've got a firm grip.

16. Sometimes it's nice to have a cushy seat.

17. Once you're over the top, you can just coast the rest of the way.

18. That's why some of them are called Mountin' Bikes.

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Funny, untill your bum gets drilled with a whopper! :sick:

An English Priest, in an Afrikaans community, was tired of all the coughing in his church whilst he was preaching...

So he bought a bottle of cough medicine and decided that the next person who coughed would get a teaspoon full.
The following Sunday someone coughed so he stopped preaching and gave the person a teaspoon medicine and whispered in his ear.
The person then got up and walked out.
This went on until the church was almost empty . . .

After the service the dominee asked the preacher what he said after giving the congregation medicine that resulted in an empty church.

The preacher : All I said was "For Cough"

Classic add

WTF!

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