Jokes for 2011

Malema's brain is divided into 2 parts.
Da left and da right.
In da left, fokkol is right, and in da right fokkol is left!
Now we sit with Dalema!

1

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but by turning
to religion I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.
I converted to Islam.........We're stoning her in the morning!

The wife suggested I get myself one of those dick enlargers, so I did....
she's 21 and her name's Lucy.

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting paedo,
child molester and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50.
It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.

The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low
cut tops. Although they do make me look a bit gay.

Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a
spokesman said; "We'll struggle to get another man of the same caliber."

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give
him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year.
You want to stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

Q: What's the difference between a blond and a brick?
A: The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.

Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend - Beautiful,
Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible.
Or in other words.............B.I.G.T.I.T.S.

Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half
an hour as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything…
…KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.

Public Opinion Survey Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain?
17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."

On my Census form there is a question "Do you have any dependants?"
Apparently putting "Hundreds of Africans, Pakis, Somalians, single mums,
Romanians, loafers, smack heads and non English speaking people" isn't the
right answer.

Prince William says he doesn't want the traditional fruit cake at his
wedding.
Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a toss, he's still going.

I thought the wife would be the ideal candidate for a new TV show.
Turns out I got it all wrong and the program's called Fact Hunt.

The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with me
because she can't afford batteries!

Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing
line.
She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs back.

Toys-R-us India (I can't help but laugh, lol......crazy shit)

View My Video

<clip needs to be downloaded>

Seuntjie aan ouma: "Het ouma nie my pilletjies gesien nie.....daar staan LSD op.

Ouma:"F@k jou pille het jy die drake in die kombuis gesien!!!??"

I was sitting at a stoplight yesterday, minding my own business, waiting for it to turn green. A carload of young, loud ANC Youth League members shouting “Kill the boer” stopped next to me.

The light changed, the “youth” shook their fists, hit the gas and darted off ahead of me. Suddenly an 18-wheeler came speeding through and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely.

For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Wow, that could have been me!"



So, today bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.

Malema is in die hospitaal met n virus. Ons gebede en gedagtes gaan uit vir die virus en sy familie

Tremere wrote: Malema is in die hospitaal met n virus. Ons gebede en gedagtes gaan uit vir die virus en sy familie

:lol:

This is INSANE

View My Video

What did one Blackberry user say to another Blackberry user?


Nothing!

The barman says "we don't serve neutrinos here". A neutrino walks into a bar.

I love this video: rtsp://v6.cache2.c.youtube.com/CjYLENy73wIaLQl3ZwexJJIN7RMYJCAkFEIJbXYtZ29vZ2xlSARSBXdhdGNoYMuk8b7xiPDQTgw=/0/0/0/video.3gp

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'

The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, ‘Sister, have you seen a soldier?'

The nun replied, 'He went that way.'

After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister You see, I don't want to go to Iraq .'

The nun said, 'I understand completely.'

The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'

The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls... I don't want to go to Iraq either !!!


Q: What's the difference between a cow's tail and your boss' tie?

A: The cow's tail covers the whole asshole.


Wife: ''Why are you home so early?''
Husband:'' My manager told me to go to hell. So here I am..'


Three witches are in the shower naked. A ghost appears, flashes his penis and says. "Hocus Pocus". The witches say "F@ck hocus. Just pocus!

‎​​VOORBLAD NUUS: Kegan daniel  is opgeneem in die hospitaal.  Hy het 'n miskraam gehad.... Hy het die 2011currie cup verwag...

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Wat doen ‘n 2011 Sharks ondersteuner as hy klaar die currie cup gewen het? ..... hy sit sy Playstation af!

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Het jy gehoor hulle bring 'n nuwe vorm van doodstraf terug?Jy trek 'n Sharks trui aan en dan skaam jy jou dood

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Hoe hou jy drank weg van die Sharks?Gooi dit in die currie cup.

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Wat noem jy 'n Shark wat Saterdag 'n bottel Champagne vashou gehou het?.......'n WAITER!!!!!

The President of ANCYL Julius Malema walks into an FNB bank and asks to cash a cheque for R2000..
Teller: "No problem Sir. Could you please show me your ID."?

Malema: "Well, I didn’t bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need.
After all, I am the President of the ANC Youth League"

Teller: "Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations, I must insist on seeing ID."

Malema: "Just ask anyone here who I am and they will tell you. They all know who I am."

Teller: "I am sorry, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Malema: "Is there some other way around this?"

Teller: "Look, here's what we can do: a while ago now, Casta Semenia walked into the bank
without ID. To prove she was Casta she ran around the block in under 8 seconds

Another time, Francois Pienaar came in without ID. He yanked out his rugby ball and
kicked it just under 300m right into Nedbank’s yard. After that spectacular
kick we cashed his cheque.

So, what can you do to prove to me that you are really who you say you are?"

Malema stands, deep in thought for what seems like minutes then finally says:

"My mind's a complete blank. Honestly, I can't think of a single thing"

Teller: "Would fifties be OK, sir?"

Notes From Thoughtful Ron:

It is important for men to remember, that as women grow older it
becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as
when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them.
Some are oversensitive and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive
woman.

My name is Ron...... Let me relate how I handled the situation with
my wife, Julie.

When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Julie
to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health
benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working I noticed she
was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from the Golf Course about the same time she gets
home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always
says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner.
I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake
me when she gets dinner on the table.

I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out
is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that
door...

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now,
it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after
dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times
each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she appreciates
this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes
to bed.

I really think my experience as a teacher helps a lot. I consider
telling people what they ought to do one of my strong points...

And speaking of bed, her age really shows up there. I go out and
golf all day, come in dead tired and after a two hour nap and a good
meal, I'm ready, if you know what I mean. Age has gotten her so bad
that she actually dozes off during lovemaking. But that's okay. Her
satisfaction in that area is important to a sensitive guy like me and if
she enjoys sleeping during our little trysts, what the hey...

Now that she has gotten older, she does seem to get tired so much
more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement.
Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps.
I don't make a big issue of this; as long as she finishes up the
laundry the next evening, I'm willing to overlook it. Not only that, but
unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting, or
to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club, or to Tuesday's or Thursday's
bowling, or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next
evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some
of those odds and ends like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting...

Also, if I had a really good day on the course and it was wet and
muddy, my clubs are a mess, so I let her clean them, you know.....get
the grit off the grips and a little light Brillo on the club faces at a
casual pace. My golf bag is heavy so I lift it out of the trunk for
her. Women are delicate, have weak wrists and can't lift heavy stuff as
good as men. But I did tell her I don't like to
be wakened during my after-golf nap, so rather than bother me, she
can put them back in the trunk when she's finished.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will
say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills
during her lunch hour. But boys, we take em for better or worse, so I
just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over
two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.

I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then
wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact
is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more! rest
periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing
the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix
herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just
sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may
as well make one for me too, and then take her break by my hammock.
That way she can talk with me until I fall
asleep.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support
Julie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy.
Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody
knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less
criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider
that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth
to help each other...

Signed,

Ron

EDITOR'S NOTE: Ron died suddenly Thursday Feb. 3. He was found with a
Calloway extra long 50 inch Big Bertha Driver II rammed up his
posterior, with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife Julie was
arrested, but the all-woman Grand Jury accepted her defense that he
accidentally sat on it, and she was released on Friday, Feb 4.

Matrose
'n Depressed hipster chick in Kaapstad besluit om haar lewe te eindig deur by die hawe dramaties in die see in te spring. Daar aangekom is daar 'n matroos wat sien sy staan en tjank en sy vertel hom van haar depressie.
"Check, jy het baie om voor te lewe. My skip gaan more Amerika toe en ek kan jou wegsteek. As jy in Amerika nogsteeds wil selfmoord pleeg kan ek jou seker nie keer nie, maar gee die lewe nog een kans op 'n nuwe kontinent". Hy voeg ook by: "Ek sal mooi na jou kyk en elke dag vir jou kos bring in jou wegkruipplek. Ek hou jou happy en jy hou my happy" tune hy met 'n knipoog en streel oor haar boud.
Die chick stem in op die deal en later die aand steek die matroos haar weg in een van die lifeboats. Elke aand bring hy vir haar vrugte en broodjies en dan naai hulle dat die manbotter spat.
Drie weke later ontdek die kaptein haar toevallig met 'n ongereelde inspeksie van sy skip: "En waddefok gaan hier aan?" vra hy vir die chick.
"Ek het 'n deal met een van die matrose", antwoord sy skaam terug, kop onderstebo. "Hy smokkel my Amerika toe en in ruil daarvoor laat ek dat hy my naai"
Die kaptein antwoord terug: "Hy is verfokken seker besig om jou te naai. Hierdie is die ferry wat elke dag Robben Eiland toe gaan!"

'n Jong man uit die Vrystaat kom Johannesburg toe en gaan na een van daai "alles-onder-een-dak" winkels en soek vir werk. Die bestuurder vra hom, "Het jy enige ervaring met verkope?"


Ja se die mannetjie, "Ek het kunsmis by die koöperasie verkoop". Die baas het van die jong man gehou en gee toe vir hom die werk.


"Jy begin môre. Ek sal so teen sluitingstyd 'n draai kom maak om te sien hoe dinge gegaan het ."


Sy eerste dag was 'n bietjie rof maar hy het dit gemaak.


Na die winkel gesluit het, kom maak die baas 'n draai op die winkelvloer.


"So,hoeveel klante het jy vandag gehad?"


Die jong man antwoord sonder om te huiwer,"Een."

Die baas sê, "Net een? Ons verkoopsmense hier hanteer 'n gemiddeld van 20 Tot 30 klante op 'n dag. Hoeveel het die klant spandeer?"


"R461 387.55" sê die jongman.


"R461 387.55?! Wat die joos het jy aan hom verkoop?!"


"Wel," sê die man, "Ek het eers 'n klein vishoek aan hom verkoop. Toe verkoop ek 'n medium grootte vishoek en uiteindelik 'n groot vishoek... Toe verkoop ek aan hom 'n nuwe visstok. Toe het ek hom gevra waar hy gaan visvang en hy sê toe by Sodwana aan die noordkus en ek sê toe vir hom dan gaan hy beslis 'n groter boot nodig hê en toe stap ons oor na die bootafdeling en verkoop ek aan hom 'n nuwe Kingkat met dubbele Yamaha buiteboordenjins.


Hy sê toe vir my hy dink nie sy Toyota Corrola gaan die ding gesleep kry nie, toe vat ek hom na die motorafdeling en verkoop aan hom 'n nuwe 4x4 Hilux Raider."


Verstom vra die baas,"'n Ou kom hier in om 'n vishoek te koop en jy verkoop aan hom 'n boot en 'n bakkie?"


"Nee, hy was hier om tampons vir sy vrou te koop toe sê ek vir hom, wel, jou naweek is in elk geval in sy moer in, jy kan maar net sowel gaan visvang."

ETIKET VIR BRAKPANNERS.
(soos voorgeskryf deur Emsie Schoeman, en hersien deur Andre P. Brink)

ALGEMEEN
1. Moet nooit bier saamvat na 'n job interview nie.
2. Probeer eers uitvind wie die mense in jou jaart is voor jy begin skiet.
3. Die dominee smaak dit nie as jy 'n cooler box saamvat kerk toe nie.
4. As jy die bed moet stofsuig is dit tyd om ander lakens op te sit.
5. Selfs al is jy seker jy is ingesluit in die testament, moenie jou Venter saamsleep na 'n begrafnis toe nie.

UITEET
1. As jy wyn skink, tilt die paper cup sodat jy nie die "vrug" van die wyn bederf nie.
2. As jy uit die bottel uit drink, hou hom so vas sodat jou vingers die label toehou.

ONTHAAL IN JOU HUIS
1. Moenie jou geliefde opgestopte hamster/kat/hond/aap op die koffietafel sit nie.
2. Moenie dat jou hond van die tafel eet nie (al is sy maniere beter as jou gaste s'n).

PERSOONLIKE GESONDHEID
1. Terwyl ore gereeld moet skoongemaak word, is dit 'n job wat verkieslik met jou eie bakkiesleutels gedoen moet word.
2. Grond en olie onder jou vinger naels is 'n social nee, want dit gee daai finger snacks 'n snaakse smaak en cherries laaik dit nie so kwaai nie.

VERHOUDINGS (buite die familie)
1. Bied altyd aan om die aas aan jou goose se hoek te sit, veral met die eerste date.
2. Wees aggressief. Laat weet haar jy wag al twee jaar om met haar uit te gaan nadat jy daai goed gelees het teen die toilet muur daar by Shoprite.
3. Maak seker jy vind uit by haar ma-hulle wanneer sy by die huis moet wees. Party sal sê 10-uur, ander "Maandag". As die antwoord Maandag is,is dit Jou job om te sorg dat sy betyds by die skool is.

FLIEK
1. Moenie met die mense op die screen probeer praat nie. Jarelange wetenskaplike navorsing het bewys dat hulle jou nie kan hoor nie.

TROUES
1. Kleinvee is nie so 'n hot trougeskenk nie.
2. As jy die bruid langer as 5 sekondes soen, kan jy miskien geskiet word.
3. Vir die bruidegom: Huur 'n tux; 'n corduroy broek en T-shirt met 'n Cummerbund werk nie so lekker nie.
4. Al is dit moelik, sê maar ja vir sokkies en skoene (al is dit dan net vir die kerk).

BESTUUR
1. Dim jou ligte as 'n kar van voor af kom, al is jou gun gelaai.
2. As jy by 'n 4-way stop kom, ry die ou met die grootste wiele eerste.
3. Moet nooit 'n ander kar tou met pantyhose en duct tape nie.
4. As jy jou vrou met 'n kannetjie stuur om te gaan petrol haal, is dit swak maniere om haar te vra om bier ook saam terug te bring.
5. Moenie spin as jy in 'n begrafnisstoet ry nie.


Brief uit Brakpan

Beste Ketoolsie

Ek skryf die briefie maar stadig omdat ek weet jy kan nie vinnig lees nie.

Ons bly nie meer op dieselfde plek as toe jy weg is nie. Jou pa het in die koerant gelees dat die meeste ongelukke binne 20 kilometer van die huis af gebeur, toe besluit ons om te trek. Ek kan ongelukkig nie vir jou die adres gee nie want die vorige familie het die nommers saam gevat, seker sodat hulle nie hulle adres hoef te verander nie.

Hierdie plekkie is regtig oulik. Hier is selfs 'n wasmasjien, ek is nog net nie heeltemal seker hoe hy werk nie. Laas week het ek 'n bondel klere ingesit en die ketting getrek. Ons het nog nie weer die klere opgespoor nie.

Die weer hierso is ook glad nie sleg nie. Dit het net twee keer gereen laas week; die eerste keer vir drie dae en die tweede keer vir vier dae.

Omtrent daai jas wat jy gevra het ons moet vir jou stuur; oom Frikkie het gese dit sal te swaar wees in die pos, toe sny ons maar die knope af hulle is in die linker boonste sak van die jas.

Pietie het gister sy sleutels in sy kar toegesluit. Ons het rerig bekommerd geraak want dit het hom twee ure gevat om my en jou pa uit te kry.

Jou suster het vanoggend 'n baba gehad, maar ek het nog nie uitgevind wat dit is nie, so ek weet nie of jy 'n oom of 'n tannie is nie.

Die baba lyk net soos jou boetie.

Oom Wessels het laas week in 'n vat brandewyn geval. 'n Paar manne het hom probeer uithaal maar hy het hulle afbaklei en verdrink. Ons het hom laat veras. Hy het vir drie dae gebrand.

Drie van jou vriende het met 'n bakkie van die brug afgery Koos het bestuur, hy het sy venster afgedraai en na veiligheid geswem. Jou ander twee vriende het agter op gesit. Hulle het verdrink omdat hulle nie die bak se klap kon oopkry nie.

Daar is nie meer nuus nie. Niks anders as die normale het gebeur nie.

Liefdetjies

Jou gunsteling tannie Betsie.

Ns. Ek wou nog vir jou R25 insit maar ek het al klaar die koevert toegeplak

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.

luckily the babies were ok..

the surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate.. she have birth to 2 healthy daughters and a son. All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.. ''Whats wrong!?'' asked the mother.
I was taking a pee and a bullet came out.. said the girl... the mother the remembers what had happened 16 years ago and explains the story to her.

The next week the next girl comes in the room and complains about the same thing... the mother again explains the story again and the girl goes off...

And surely after that the boy ran in the room a few days later... he was crying uncontrollably.. the mother is prepared and says don't worry... i know wat happened.. you were taking a pee and a bullet came out?.. The boy says emotionally 'NOO!! I Was Playing with myself and i Shot The Dog!!!''

I saw Julius Malema fall into an icy river at 8:30 this morning. As a responsible citizen,I informed the emergency services. Its now 6:00pm and they haven't responded! I'm starting to think I've wasted a postage stamp!!!