Jokes for 2011

Ondier wrote: Any of you ever saw Chuck Norris naked??? :ohmy:

Maybe because I called the picture C N Naked?

Little Johnny was on his way back home from the store with a
loaf of bread in one hand, and his other hand in his pants
pocket.

Off in the distance, Father Joseph sees little
Johnny and realizes this is the perfect opportunity to go preach the gospel of the Holy Bible to the young boy.

Father Joseph approaches little Johnny and says, "I see that you have the "Staff of Life" in one hand."

"Yep," replies little Johnny. "And I have a loaf of bread in
the other!"

---

One day little Johnny was digging a hole in his back yard.
The next-door neighbor spotted him and decided to investigate.

"Hello Johnny, what are you up to?" he asked.

"My goldfish died and I'm gonna bury him," Johnny replied.

"That's a really big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" asked the neighbor.

"That's because he's inside your cat!"

Dear P... Zuma,

Please find below our suggestion for fixing South Africa 's economy.
Instead of giving billions of rands to the government that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.

You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:

There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force.

Pay them R1 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:

1) They MUST retire.
Ten million job openings - unemployment fixed

2) They MUST buy a new car.
Ten million cars ordered - Car Industry fixed

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage -
Housing Crisis fixed

4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university -
Crime rate fixed

5) They MUST buy R100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week.....
And there's your money back in duty/tax etc

It can't get any easier than that!

P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances

If you think this would work, please forward to everyone you know.

Also...........
Let's put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.

This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.

They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.

They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.

Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.

A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.

They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.

They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool and education.

Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request.

Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.

Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.

There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.

The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room and pay R1,000.00+ per week and have no hope of ever getting out.

Think about this (more points of contention):

COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Rivier-sonder-End almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept?

And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 200,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

One friend says to another - "I have Facebook, BBM, MXIT, Whatsapp, Twitter, Google Plus, MSN Messenger & Skype.".

2nd Friend: "Dude, do you have a LIFE?”

1st Friend: "OMG! No! Send me the link!"......

HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

________________________________


My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________




My wife and I were sitting at a table at her school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My G od!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer... Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

______________________________


My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started....

_______________________________


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________


My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."

And then the fight started...

It's all about the angle....

They say you are what you eat......which is funny because I don't remember eating a F@CKING LEGEND!!!

Some more....

Guys in Joburg North will like this..

mwhahahahah

And finally........inbred cat

Golf and Public Restroom Similarities

10. Keep your back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.

9. Form a loose grip.

8. Keep your head down.

7. Avoid a quick backswing.

6. Stay out of the water.

5. Try not to hit anybody.

4. If you are taking too long, you should let others go ahead of you.

3. You shouldn't stand directly in front of others.

2. Be quiet while others are about to go.

1. Keep strokes to a minimum.

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food.

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me for a while? . . . I'm starving.

Thank God your a man.... here is why

and the new way of procrastination

Julius : Hey boss, let's go have breakfast at McDonald's
Zuma : Only if you can spell McDonald's
Julius : eish! Why don't we go to KFC instead?

A cab driver picks up a Nun.
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why is he staring.
He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.

'She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.

''Well, I've always had a fantasy to have sex with a nun.

'She responds,'Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1: You have to be single.
#2: You must be Catholic.
#3: I have to save my virginity, you will have to enter me from behind.

The cab driver is very excited and says,'Yes, I'm single, Catholic, and I'm happy to enter from behind!

''OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'The nun fulfills his fantasy, in a way that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?

''Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.

'The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a halloween party

Photoshop Error:

A woman had been on the game for 4 years and was worried about the size of her fanny on her wedding night so she decided to tell her husband she caught it climbing over a fence..... After an hour in bed with her he said "How far across the f**king field were u before u realised it was caught?"

My son was sent home from school for swearing today.
I said what did u say?
He said the c word.
I said it wasn't clever, was it?
He said no, it was c*nt.

I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her arse. I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.

South African Law

Two recent court cases have earned the attention of newspaper readers in
South Africa :

1. One person was fined R1 000 for not having a TV licence.
2. Another was released on bail for R500 after being arrested for murder.

The moral of this South African story:

If you do not have a TV licence and the inspector comes round, kill him.
You'll save R500.

... It's the Right Thing To Do ....

admin wrote: Photoshop Error:

ek kan nou nie mooi die foto sien nie, ek het nie my brille op nie, maar is dit n p*$s kop daai, dit lyk amper so?