Jokes for 2011

Ondier wrote:

:woohoo:

Goeie een oom.

Die beste vir my is die feit dat die groot boer seun die spook met sy lappie bly slaan

Ondier wrote: Die beste vir my is die feit dat die groot boer seun die spook met sy lappie bly slaan

lol Ja.

I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her arse. I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/World%27s_funniest_joke

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

BANKROTSKAP:
Waar dit alles begin het.
"Dit het alles in 1961 begin toe die geldstelsel van ponde na rande verander het en my oortrokke bankrekening verdubbel het.

Ek was net besig om daaraan gewoond te raak, toe bring hulle kilogramme in die plek van ponde en onse, en my oes verminder met die helfte.

Toe verander hulle die reënval van duime na millimeter en ons het sedert daardie tyd nog nie weer 'n duim reen gehad nie.
Wat doen hulle toe?
Bring 'n ding genaamd Celsius en die temperatuur daal met twintig grade.
Geen wonder my mielies wil nie groei nie.
Asof dit nie genoeg was nie, verander hulle grond van morge na hektaar en my plaas se grootte verminder met die helfte van wat ek oorspronklik geërf het.
Dit is toe dat ek besluit om die plaas te verkoop. En glo my. Ek het pas my plaas in die mark gesit, toe verander hulle myle na kilometer.
Nou is my plaas so vêr uit die dorp, dat niemand daarin belangstel nie!"

Koos is besig om liefde te maak toe sy bokkie 'n
epileptiese aanval kry.
Koos jaag met haar na dokter wat vra, "Wat's fout?"
Koos: "Ek dink haar orgasme haak vas."

I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her arse. I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.

A woman had been on the game for 4 years and was worried about the size of her fanny on her wedding night so she decided to tell her husband she caught it climbing over a fence..... After an hour in bed with her he said "How far across the f**king field were u before u realised it was caught"

Why coloureds can't be terrorists: by MARK LOTTERING

- Ons is altyd laat. We would have missed all 4 flights.

- We talk loud and would bring attention to ourselves.

- Met free kos en cooldrink oppie plane, we'll sommer forget why we're there.

- We praat with our hands, so we'll continually be putting the weapons down.

- We would ALL want to fly the freaking plane, ending in a "moerse" fight with each other.

- We'll sommer argue and start a fight in the terminal before we even get on the plane & one of us is bound to say out loud: 'Gaan kak man! Dan hijack jy die foken plane alleen!!'

- Ons kannie 'n secret hou nie. We would have told everyone a week before doing it, telling them: 'Moet vir niemand se nie, ho!'

- We would have insisted that the plane fly past Strandfontein Pavillion.

- We would have all lined up to get our photograph taken by one of the hostages.

- When we enter the cockpit, we would have used the intercom system for a karaoke session, with one doos trying to sing 'I did it my way'.

- We would first rob every one of their Ray-Bans, cellphones and gold teeth, just before we crash the plane.

- Our whole freaking family plus neighbors would have been at the airport to see us off, crying their "bleddie" eyes out, and your mother saying to the white ou next to her: 'I'm so proud of him. It's the first time he's hijacking a plane!'

- We would have dressed like terrorists for our airport go-way clothes: balaclavas, jumpsuits, karate skoentjies, dark glasses, en 'n moerse attitude.

- Two of us would have forgotten our passports at home..

- Three of us would have overweight luggage.

- All of us would have luggage.

- We would have all wanted to watch the in-flight movie first.

- Before we went into action, we would have all queued up at the toilet to first gel our hair.

- We would have taken the plane for a joyride first, played the music at full blast and try to park the plane somewhere where the chicks could see us...

Johnny at the Park

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods.

Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND...."

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.

He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

Little Johnny and his dad went to the store one day and Little Johnny asked his dad: can I have some chips?
Dad says: can your dick touch your asshole?
Little Johnny says: No
Dad: well that's your answer.

They went to the next aisle and Little Johnny asks: can I have some candy?
Dad: can your dick touch your asshole?
Little Johnny: No!!
Dad: well that's your answer.

When they got to the cash register, the dad felt kinda bad and bought two lottery tickets. They go to the car and the dad hands Little Johnny a ticket. They both scratch their tickets. The dad lost and Little Johnny won 10 million dollars!

Dad: you're gonna share that with your old man, right?
Little Johnny: can your dick touch your asshole?
Dad lifts his head up and says "damn straight I can!"
Little Johnny replies: good! Go fuck yourself!

BANKROTSKAP: Waar dit alles begin het.


"Dit het alles in 1961 begin toe die geldstelsel van ponde na rande verander het en my oortrokke bankrekening verdubbel het. Ek was net besig om daaraan gewoond te raak, toe bring hulle kilogramme in die plek van ponde en onse en my flippen oes verminder met die helfte. Toe verander hulle die reënval van duime na millimeter en ons het sedert daardie tyd nog nie weer 'n bleddie duim reen gehad nie.

Wat doen hulle toe? Bring 'n ding genaamd Celsius en die temperatuur daal met twintig grade. Geen wonder my mielies wil nie groei nie. Asof dit nie genoeg was nie, verander hulle grond van morge na hektaar en my plaas se grootte verminder met die helfte van wat ek oorspronklik geërf het. Dit is toe dat ek besluit om die plaas te verkoop. En glo my. Ek het pas my plaas in die mark gesit, toe verander hulle myle na kilometer. Nou is my plaas so moer vêr uit die dorp, dat niemand daarin belangstel nie!"


Koos van der Merwe

As julle weer met my sukkel gaan roep ek my boetie met sy hond! :lol:

hey, i have gotten that picture in an email as well. What do u guys know about that monster? who is he?

m0lt3n wrote: hey, i have gotten that picture in an email as well. What do u guys know about that monster? who is he?

Its shopped. That chick is one of the spice girls and that dude is her bf, he lifts but is no bigger than your average gym rat. I was just as disappointed

Definitely shopped, had to laugh at how he still looks so manly even while he is dragging his poodle behind him...

'n Ou Boesman kry 'n spieël in die veld.
Hy weet nie wat dit is nie.
Skrik toe hy daarin kyk, want die gesig wat hy sien, lyk nes sy oorlede pa.
Elke keer as hy na sy pa verlang, kyk hy in die spieël en huil verdrietig.
Sy vrou wonder wat aangaan en gryp die spieël.
Sy kyk daarin en om te sien waaroor haar man so huil..
Geskok skreeu sy vir haar man: 'Jou gemors, is dit oor hierdie lelike meid wat jy so tjank?'

Dinge wat MOEILIK is om te sê wanneer jy gesuip is

1. Innoverend
2. Preliminêr
3. Verspreiding
4. Kaneelsuikerkorreltjie

Dinge wat BAIE MOEILIK is om te sê wanneer jy gesuip is

1. Spesifiseer
2. Anti-konstitusionalisties
3. Passief-agressiewe afwyking
4. Transubstansieer

Dinge wat F@KKEN ONMOONTLIK is om te sê wanneer jy gesuip is

1. Nee dankie, ek is getroud.
2. Nee dankie, niks meer vir my om te drink nie.
3. Jammer, jy is nie my tipe nie.
4. Waars die kondome
5. Goeienaand offisier, heerlike aand né?
6. O nee, ek kan nie. Niemand wil my hoor karaoke nie.
7. Ek stel nie belang om met jou te baklei nie.
8. Dankie, maar ek wil nie dans nie. Ek het nie ko-ordinasie nie en wil nie soos 'n gek lyk nie.
9. Waar's die naaste toilet? Ek weier om in die parkeer area, op die gras of langs die pad te piepie.
10. Nee, ek bel nie my vriende die tyd van die aand nie.
11. Ek moet nou huistoe gaan. Ek werk môre.

Juffrou vra Jannie om sy eie gedig voor te lees:

Jannie: "Ek staan op die wal van Kaap Aghulas, die water plots so teen my ballas."
Juffrou: "Ekskuus?"

Jannie: "Ek staan op die wal van Kaap Aghulas, die water plots so teen my ballas."
Juffrou: "Jou onbeskofte klein donner, prinsipaal toe met jou!!!"

By die prinsipaal aangekom sê juffrou: "Sê gou vir meneer daai gediggie van jou."

Jannie: "Ek staan op die wal van Kaap Aghulas, die water plots so teen my knieë."
Juffrou: "Dis nie wat jy vroeër gesê het nie."
Jannie: "Vroeër was dit high-tide juffrou"

Gehoor van die man wat sy trou video in rewind kyk?
Dis vir hom so mooi as sy vrou se pa haar terug vat,
en sy vrou loop stil-stil uit die kerk,
en vat haar hele familie saam...

Julius en Jonas is besig om briefbomme te maak


Jonas : "Dink jy ek het genoeg plofstof in die koevert gesit"?

Julius : "Maak die ding oop en kyk"

Jonas : "As ek hom oopmaak gaan hy mos ontplof!"

Julius : "Ag moet nie vir jou .#@%^@()( onnosel hou nie, die ding is nie aan jou geadresseer nie!!"

Any of you ever saw Chuck Norris naked??? :ohmy:

As she lay there dozing next to me, one voice inside my head kept saying, "Relax... you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients, " but another kept reminding me, "Howard, you are a veterinarian."