Jokes for 2011

Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms,
Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...


"I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch."


"The last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with Germany ."


Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster: "It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig's bottom."


On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR: "there is a word to describe this car. It begins with 's' and ends with 't' and it isn't soot."


"The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite."


"The air conditioning in a Lambo used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw."


"Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?"


"This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying 'Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases."


"I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?"


Clarkson's highway code on cyclists: "Trespassers in the motorcars domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not be an obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong."

" Britain 's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe... probably because they don't have wheel-chair access."


"Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show. so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!"


On the Lotus Elise: "This car is more fun than the entire French air force crashing into a firework factory."


"Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved... for a murderer."


"I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animal's duty to be on my plate at supper time."


"There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching... on their face."


"Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under her tweed pants. I do, and it helps."


"You cannot have this car with a diesel. It's like saying, I won't go to Stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lap dance, she's a woman!"


"Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports car... in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President."


On the Porsche Cayenne: "Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis."

I am a father. So, sometimes I need to do stuff that fathers do. In the old
days, it was marbles and tolle and ketties. Things have changed.

So, two weeks ago, the fucking bright sparks over the road here, whispered
the words "GOLD REEF CITY" into my laaities ears, and what can you do? You
go to GRC.

Ok, so I checked the website... nananana, looks like piss, hier en daar n
fokken ride or two, and I wanted to go down the mine. So ek trek my
plakkies aan, kam my hare, and off we go.

We got there early. Ek kap manhaftig twee worsbroodjies weg, en n halfliter
melk, and followed my son to the first ride... called Runaway Train.

We get on, and I thought these things were for kids and stuff, and off it
went. I did not like it. It was going sideways and shit, and I was queasy
when I got off.

What bothered me though was the sound coming from behind me somewhere.

Dit klink soos n fokken boeing wat land. And then I saw it. Big
signwriting... ANAFOKKENCONDA.

I had to keep face, I wear the pants in this family. Ek maak my arms bak,
en ek loop fier en regop teen die dekplank op. Ek gaan die donner ry, what
can go wrong?

There was a queue and the fuck up with that is, you can see what the thing
does to people.

When it came in the second time, and a young student dude, met spiere waar
ek voue het, got out, and kots oor die reling, toe weet ek, my kak is
uitgeknip vir my.

Then it was our turn. Jono chickened out, BUT my wife was checking me out.
This is where you have to be nonchalant, and manly. I kept my chin up, en
my hol toegeknyp.

You get into this thing, and you hang. The safety bar didn't want to go
over my hoenderborsie, so I pulled a Ville Valo, and made myself thin, and
hooked a clip too close.... I think.

KLANG KLANG KLANG KLANG.... en kom ons fok nie rond nie.... skielik is ek
so bang dat ek n bliksemse nieraanval kry..... dan draai die etterse ding
en dan......P@$S HY NA BENEDE....MET DIE SPOED VAN DIE HEILIGE FOKKEN WIT
ELAND.

I shit you not, forget any car, bike, plane or whatever the fuck you
measure your manliness by.... it accelerated like nothing I have ever felt.
But if this wasn't enough, gaan donner die ding onderstebo met jou. I feel
the worsrolletjie. No wait, I feel the texture of the worsrolletjie, every
fucking fibre of the worsrolletjie.

Kerels, we came out that first loop met die spoed van fokken wit lig.

I wanted it to stop. I havent prayed in 22 years....i did then. We levelled
out,and then it hit the second loop.

Shorter radius than the first. Ons fok daardeur,en ek verloor my plakkie.
Onderstebo, and then around 2 flat corners wa ek 10 jaar ouer word, and
then.... the fucking thing corkscrewed.

Klits daai fokken broodjie en die melk laat dit lyk soos daai kak wat jy
oor bobotie gooi, and another, en fok dit, toe skree ek soos n Namibiese
vlakte vlermuis wat se sonar gekak het.

And into the station at 200kmh, and just for shits and giggles, they stop
it in 10m flat.

I just sat there. Stunned,and my wife is oooh and aaaahing, en
lets-go-againing....sy moet haar jags hou.

Wat's die verskil tussen 'n goeie sekretaresse en 'n BAIE goeie sekretaresse?
'n Goeie sekretaresse sê: "Goeie môre, Meneer!"
'n Baie goeie sekretaresse sê: "Goeiste, Meneer, dis al môre!"
_____________________

Vrou gaan sien 'n priester na haar 9de baba.
"Ek weet nie hoekom word ek so gou swanger nie. Dit moet iets in die lug
wees!"
"Ja", sê die priester: "... dis jou bene."
_______________________

Oom wat verkeersman was , kry Alzheimer en gaan ouetehuis toe.
Daar reël hy die verkeer van rystoele en looprame in die gange.
Een oggend vergeet hy om sy broek aan te trek, hy stop 'n tannie in die
rystoel.
Toe sy voor hom stop kyk sy so in Meneer vas: "Ag Vader, moet ons nou
vanmore nog in die pypie blaas ook!"
_______________________________________________
"Dokter, ek het infeksie!"
"Mevrou, hoeveel keer het jy seks?"
"So een keer 'n maand."
"Mevrou, dit is nie infeksie nie, dis ROES."
__________________________________
Seuntjie vra sy ma: "As binne egtelike kinders deur die ooievaar gebring
word, waar kom buite egtelike kinders vandaan?"
Ma antwoord: "Rondloper voëls!!!!!!!!!!!"
_______________________________________________
Seuntjie aan ma: "Ek wil graag 'n boetie hê vir Kersfees!"
Ma: "Daar is te min tyd daarvoor my kind."
Seuntjie: "Maak dan soos Pappa en sit meer manne op die job!!!!!"

Seun se vir pa: pappa daar is so oukie by die skool wat se ek is gay."Nou moer hom se die pa toe die seuntjie antwoord maar hy is so cute!

man kom lekker dronk by die huis. vrou le oopmond en slaap... man gooi twee panados in haar mond af. sy verstuk haar amper dood!! vrou: wat het jy in my mond gegooi ?? man: twee panados...! vrou: is jy mal, ek het nie hoofpyn nie..!!! MAN: dis wat ek wil hoor MAMMA, dis wat ek wil HOOR....!!!

Vitaly Petrov this past Sunday.

ek wonder hoe die malema knaap so ryk geword het, hy was dalk sleg in houtwerk, maar dalk is hy n verskaffer van hout!

A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week conference.



Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.

The wife answers : 'Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?'



The husband laughs and says: 'An Italian girl !!!'

The woman kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: 'So, honey, how was the trip?'

'Very good, thank you.' 'And, what happened to my present?'



'Which present?' She asked.

'The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!'

'Oh, that' she said

'Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for 9 months to see if it is a girl !!!'





Moral of the story: Don't tempt a woman, they are dangerously intelligent!

ONE NIGHT 4 TSHWANE UNIVERSITY STUDENTS WERE BOOZING TILL LATE NIGHT AND DIDN'T
STUDY FOR THE TEST WHICH WAS SCHEDULED FOR THE NEXT DAY.

IN THE MORNING THEY THOUGHT OF A PLAN. THEY MADE THEMSELVES LOOK A
DIRTY AND WEIRD AS THEY COULD WITH GREASE AND DIRT.

THEY THEN WENT UP TO THE DEAN AND SAID THAT THEY HAD GONE OUT TO A
WEDDING LAST NIGHT AND ON THEIR RETURN THE TYRE OF THEIR CAR BURST AND
THEY HAD TO PUSH THE CAR ALL THE WAY BACK AND THAT THEY WERE IN NO
CONDITION TO APPEAR FOR THE TEST.

THE DEAN WAS A JUST PERSON SO HE SAID THAT YOU CAN HAVE THE RE-TEST
AFTER 3 DAYS THEY SAID THEY WILL BE READY BY THAT TIME.
ON THE THIRD DAY THEY APPEARED BEFORE THE DEAN. THE DEAN SAID THAT THIS
WAS A SPECIAL CONDITION THAT ALL FOUR WERE REQUIRED TO SIT IN
SEPARATE CLASSROOMS FOR THE TEST.

THEY ALL AGREED AS THEY HAD PREPARED WELL IN THE LAST THREE DAYS. THE
TEST CONSISTED OF 5 QUESTIONS WITH TOTAL OF 100 MARKS:


MID SEMESTER COURSEWORK EXAMINATION


INSTRUCTIONS:
1. All questions are compulsory.
2. Any inconsistencies on any of the questions among the four students will result in all the candidates getting a zero mark.


Q.1. Write down your name

---

(2 MARKS)

Q.2. Write the name of the bride and bridegroom at the wedding yo u attended

---

(30 Marks)

Q.3. What type of a car burst a tyre.

---

(20 Marks)

Q.4. Which tyre burst

---

(28 marks)

Q.5. Who was driving

---

(20 marks)



END OF PAPER AND GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!!!!

jo1 wrote: ONE NIGHT 4 TSHWANE UNIVERSITY STUDENTS WERE BOOZING TILL LATE NIGHT AND DIDN'T
STUDY FOR THE TEST WHICH WAS SCHEDULED FOR THE NEXT DAY.

IN THE MORNING THEY THOUGHT OF A PLAN. THEY MADE THEMSELVES LOOK A
DIRTY AND WEIRD AS THEY COULD WITH GREASE AND DIRT.

THEY THEN WENT UP TO THE DEAN AND SAID THAT THEY HAD GONE OUT TO A
WEDDING LAST NIGHT AND ON THEIR RETURN THE TYRE OF THEIR CAR BURST AND
THEY HAD TO PUSH THE CAR ALL THE WAY BACK AND THAT THEY WERE IN NO
CONDITION TO APPEAR FOR THE TEST.

THE DEAN WAS A JUST PERSON SO HE SAID THAT YOU CAN HAVE THE RE-TEST
AFTER 3 DAYS THEY SAID THEY WILL BE READY BY THAT TIME.
ON THE THIRD DAY THEY APPEARED BEFORE THE DEAN. THE DEAN SAID THAT THIS
WAS A SPECIAL CONDITION THAT ALL FOUR WERE REQUIRED TO SIT IN
SEPARATE CLASSROOMS FOR THE TEST.

THEY ALL AGREED AS THEY HAD PREPARED WELL IN THE LAST THREE DAYS. THE
TEST CONSISTED OF 5 QUESTIONS WITH TOTAL OF 100 MARKS:


MID SEMESTER COURSEWORK EXAMINATION


INSTRUCTIONS:
1. All questions are compulsory.
2. Any inconsistencies on any of the questions among the four students will result in all the candidates getting a zero mark.


Q.1. Write down your name

---

(2 MARKS)

Q.2. Write the name of the bride and bridegroom at the wedding yo u attended

---

(30 Marks)

Q.3. What type of a car burst a tyre.

---

(20 Marks)

Q.4. Which tyre burst

---

(28 marks)

Q.5. Who was driving

---

(20 marks)



END OF PAPER AND GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!!!!

hahahahaha

On a really hot day,
four nuns were assigned
to paint a room
in their church.


After sweating
for a few hours
in those black robes,
they decided to
take off all their clothes
and paint naked.

An hour later,
someone knocked
on the door
of the church.


"Who is it?"
they called out.
"I'm the blind man,"
came the reply.
The nuns decided
to let him in
since he wouldn't
be able to see them.
They opened the door
and led him to the room
they were painting.
They were surprised
when he walked around
the room
with no difficulty.

"Okay, sisters," he said,
"where do you want the blinds?"

Hello, is this the South African Police?"
"Eish-Yes. What you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbour, Hendrik van der Merwe! He is hiding dagga inside his firewood."
"Eeeh-Yes...Thank you for your co-operasheen and informasheen in combating crime and violence, in our society suh"
The next day, the SAP descends on Hendrik's house. They search the braai lapa where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they chop open every piece of wood, but find no dagga. They shout and swear at Hendrik and leave.
The phone rings at Hendrik's house."Hey, Hendrik! Did the SAP come?" "Ja!"
"Did they chop your firewood for the braai tonight?""...Ja...." "Happy Birthday Boet!" A BOER MAAK A PLAN

Dit was onthaal-aand by die ouetehuis, en Klaas die hipnotiseur is genooi
om die ou mensies te vermaak.

Hy verduidelik: "Ek gaan julle almal in 'n beswyming laat verval en julle
gaan dan presies maak soos ek sê."

Die opgewondenheid loop hoog en Klaas haal sy pragtige antieke sakhorlosie
uit sy sak en begin dit heen-en-weer swaai op die verhoog.

"Hierdie horlosie is al 200 jaar in ons familie. Ek wil hê julle moet stip
na die horlosie kyk. Sien hoe dit heen-en-weer beweeg. Links en regs,
heen-en-weer, voel hoe julle julself oorgee aan die beweging,
heen-en-weer, heen-en-weer"

Die oumense raak vasgevang in die heen-en-weer beweging van die horlosie.
Honderde oë volg die heen-en-weer beweging en verval in 'n beswyming
totdat die horlosie per ongeluk uit Klaas se vingers glip en op die vloer
stukkend val.

"K@k!" skree Klaas







Dit het drie weke gevat om die ouetehuis skoon te kry!

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

why cant we upload images anymore

Souf Efrika Watta Kuntree



It's Great to be a Souf Efrikan!!!

This is a great country because…

1. You can eat half dried meat and not be considered disgusting.

2. Nothing is your fault; you can blame it all on apartheid.

3. You get to buy a new car every 3 months and the insurance company even pays for it.

4. You can experience pathetic service in eleven official languages.

5. Where else can you get oranges with 45% alcohol content at rugby matches?

6. It's the only country in the world where striking workers show how angry they are by dancing.

7. You're considered clumsy if you cannot: use a cell phone (without car kit), change CDs, drink a beer, put on make-up, read the newspaper and smoke, all at the same time while driving a car at 160 kph in a 60 kph zone.

8. Great accent. (!!!)

9. If you live in Johannesburg , you get to brag about living in the most dangerous city in the world.

10. Burglar bars become a feature, and a great selling point for your house.

11. You can decorate your garden walls with barbed wire.

12. The tow-trucks are the first on the scene for most major crimes, without being called.
The police you have to call about three times.

13. Votes have to be recounted until the right party wins

14. Illegal immigrants leave the country because the crime rate is too high.

15. The police ask you if they must follow up on the burglary you've just reported..

16. A murderer gets a 6 month sentence and a pirate TV viewer 2 years.

17. The prisoners strike and get to vote in elections!

18. The police stations have panic buttons to call armed response when they are burgled

19. Police cars are fitted with immobilizers and gear locks!

20. Condoms for free - shopping plastic bags for sale

Ja nee!! Dis lekker hier!!

Die Juffrou vra vir die klas om die volgende te vertaal “Malema swims in the Vaal dam”, Jannie steek sy hand op en se “daar’s ‘n drol in die drinkwater”

What do u get when u cross Julius Malema and spider man a bobbejaan spinnekop!

www.videobash.com/video_show/fat-kid-bul...end-very-funny-16553

www.videobash.com/video_show/did-he-just...ng-on-a-guitar-16306

www.videobash.com/video_show/hilarious-b...mal-voiceovers-10635

www.videobash.com/video_show/kooool-18539

kan dit real wees, ek sou graag die laaste stukie wou sien!

www.videobash.com/video_show/italian-new...ht-caught-on-tape-64

Sick leave

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not
allow me to take leave... I thought that maybe if I acted 'CRAZY' then
he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker
(Sipho) asked me what I was doing. I told him that I was pretending to
be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was 'CRAZY' and give me a
few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked 'What are
you doing?' I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a
couple of days.' I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (Sipho) followed me, the Boss asked him '...And where
do you think you're going?'


He said, 'Haabo! I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark.'

Boer goes to see an English speaking lawyer in order to start divorce proceedings.
The lawyer asks him, "May I help you?"
The Boer says, "Ja. I would like to have a divorce."
The lawyer asks him, "Do you have any grounds?"
The Boer says, "Ja. I got 600 hektyres."
The lawyer says, "Sir, you don't understand. Do you have a suit?
The Boer says, "Ja. Of course I got a suit. I wore it to church on Sundays."
The lawyer says, "Ahmm. No, what I mean sir, is, do you have a case?"



The Boer says proudly, "Now let me tell you there are no tractors like CASE, I’ve got 2."
The lawyer is beginning to sweat. "Sir. Do you have a grudge?"
The Boer's also a bit irritated by now. "Ja man, I of course I got a grudge.
That's where I park the Hilux."





The lawyer, sighing, asks, "Does your wife beat you up or something?"
The Boer says, "No, we both get up at 04:30."
By now the lawyer is getting really frustrated, but tries one last question. "Does your wife nag? Is she a nagger?"
The Boer says, "No, No, man SHE'S white. But our last child is a nagger.
That's why I wants to get a divorce."

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