lees!!!!!!!

Die Dooie Perd-teorie

Hierdie wysheid van 'n Noord-Amerikaanse Indiane-stam word van geslag tot geslag deurgegee.

"As jy ontdek dat jy op 'n dooie perd ry, is dit die beste om af te klim en 'n ander perd op te saal."

In Suid-Afrika se korporatiewe-, onderwys- en regeringsinstansies word meer gevorderde strategieë gebruik, soos:

1. Koop 'n sterker sweep.

2. Verander die ruiter.

3. Stel 'n komitee aan om die perd te bestudeer.

4. Stel 'n kommissie aan wat ander lande besoek om te kyk hoe hulle dooie perde ry.

5. Verlaag die standaarde sodat dit 'n dooie perd kan insluit.

6. Herklassifiseer die dooie perd as "lewend gestremd."

7. Stel kontrakteurs aan om die dooie perd te ry.

8. Span verskeie dooie perde saam in om die dooie perd se vertoning te verbeter.

9. Verskaf bykomende fondse en/of opleiding om die dooie perd se prestasie te verbeter.

10. Doen 'n produktiwiteitstudie om vas te stel of ligter ruiters die dooie perd se prestasie sal verbeter.

11. Verklaar dat aangesien die dooie perd nie gevoer hoef te word nie, dit goedkoper is, laer omsetkoste vereis en dus 'n aansienliker bydrae lewer tot die eindresultaat van die ekonomie as wat met sommige ander perde die geval is.

12. Hersien die verwagte prestasievereistes vir dooie perde.

13. Promoveer die dooie perd tot 'n toesighoudende posisie.


As jy dit alles verstaan, is jy beslis 'n Suid-Afrikaner.

lol...

Funny email that DJ sent me:

A farmer named Van was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in the Karroo when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young black man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the farmer, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?'

Van looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers; 'Sure, Why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany...

Within mere seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data is stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the farmer and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Van.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Van says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'! The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'

'You're a Member of Parliament for the ANC' says Van.

'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing required.' said Van. 'You showed up here uninvited, you want to get paid for the answer I already know to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are yet you don't know a thing about cows... this is a herd of sheep...

Now give me back my dog.

TIA baby

reminds me of a certain "we will kill for ***" guy who failed woodwork

Shame, that JM is a DUMB FUCK !! I'd like to get hold of him....

I work with state institutions on a daily basis. Believe me what Jo1 said is not that far off!!

something for all of us gym junkies!!! :laugh:


Gesondheid - Die antwoorde op jou vrae


V: Ek hoor kardiovaskulêre oefening is goed vir 'n mens, is dit waar?

A: Jou hart is slegs gebou om soveel maal te klop, en dan's dit alles oor... Moenie dit op oefening vermors nie. Enige orgaan raak uiteindelik uitgeput. As jy dit vinniger laat klop sal dit jou nie langer laat leef nie; dis so goed as om te sê dat jy jou kar se leeftyd kan verleng deur hom vinniger te ry. Wil jy langer leef? Gaan dut so 'n bietjie.

V: Moet ek minder vleis eet en meer vrugte en groente?

A: Jy verstaan nie die beginsel van logistieke doeltreffendheid nie. Wat eet 'n bees? Gras en hooi endiesmeer, wat groentes is. Dus is 'n lekker stuk steak niks anders as 'n doeltreffende manier om groente in jou stelsel te kry. Wil jy groente hê? Eet hoender. Bief is ook 'n goeie bron van vesel, aangesien gras vol daarvan is. 'n Varktjoppie kan ook help om te verseker dat jy 100% van jou daaglikse aanbevole dosis groente inkry.

V: Moet ek my alkoholinname verminder?

A: Nooit!!!! Geensins nie. Wyn is van vrugte gemaak. Brandewyn is gedistilleerde wyn, wat beteken dat hulle die water uit die vrugtige deel verwyder sodat daar soveel meer van die voedingswaarde oorbly. Bier word ook van graan gemaak. Hou die blinkkant bo!

V: Hoe kan ek my liggaam/vet verhouding bereken?

A: Wel as jy 'n liggaam het en jy het vet is jou verhouding een tot een. As jy twee liggame het, sal jou verhouding twee tot een wees, ensovoorts.

V: Wat is die voordele daarvan om aan 'n gereelde oefenprogram deel te neem?

A: Kan nie aan 'n enkele voordeel dink nie, jammer. My filosofie is hoe minder pyn, hoe beter!

V: Is gebraaide kosse nie sleg vir jou nie?

A: JY LUISTER NIE!!!!. Kosse word in plantolies gebraai deesdae. Om die waarheid te sê hulle is deurdrenk daarmee. Hoe kan dit sleg vir jou wees as jy nog meer groente inkry?

V: Is sjokolade sleg vir my?

A: Is jy laf? HELLO. Kakao bone! Nog 'n groentesoort!!! Dit is die beste gesonde lekkerny ooit!

V: Is swem goed vir my figuur?

A: Het jy al 'n walvis gesien?
Wel ek hoop dit sal al die alledaagse mistastings oor voedsels en diëte opklaar

En onthou:
Die lewe is nie 'n reis na die graf met die doel om veilig in 'n aantreklike en goed gepreserveerde karkas daar aan te kom nie,...............................
jy moet eerder op jou alie daar inskuur - met 'n Chardonnay in die een hand - sjokolade in die ander - liggaam goed opgebruik terwyl jy hardop skree: "hie ha, dit was nou vir jou 'n bakgat trippie!"

This is very good and true!!!!!




While stitching up the hand of an 80-year-old farmer, who got cut while fencing on his property, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Jacob Zuma and his appointment as President of theANC.

"Well, you know," drawled thefarmer, "this Zuma fella is what they call a fencepost turtle". Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a fencepost turtle was.

The old farmer said, "When you're driving along a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's called a ‘fencepost turtle’."

The old farmer saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain, "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he definitely doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just gotta wonder what kind of fool put him up there in the first place!"

Trevor the farmer was in the fertilised egg business.
He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets' and eight or
ten roosters, whose job was to fertilise the eggs. The farmer kept records
and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.

That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and
attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Trevor
could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit
on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the
bells.

The farmer's favourite rooster was old Jacob, and a very fine specimen he
was too. But on this particular morning Trevor noticed old Jacob's bell
hadn't
rung at all! Trevor went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing
pullets,
bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for
cover.

But to farmer Trevor's amazement, Jacob had his bell in his beak, so it
couldn't
ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Trevor was so proud of Jacob, he entered him in the Polokwane Country Fair
and Jacob became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the
judges not only awarded Jacob the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded
him the Pullet Surprise as well.

Clearly Jacob was a Pulletician in the making: Who else but a Pulletician
could figure
out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being
the
best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't
paying attention.

Do you perhaps know of a Pulletician called Jacob?

WEES TROTS SUID-AFRIKAANS
Wanneer jy uit die restaurant kom en jou kar is weg, moet nie kwaad of de moer in word nie.

Wees net trots Suid Afrikaans en vat die kar langsaan.

GATIEP
Innie Court
Regter: "Hoe kan jy onskuldig pleit as 5 mense jou sien steel het?"
Gatiep: "Djou Honour, ek kan thousands bring wat my nie gesien steel het nie!"

Gatiep se Voicemail
My bra, Gatiep is nie available nie.
Los djou naam en nomma en ek stuur vir djou a "please call me".

Gatiep innie skool
Juffrou vra vir Gatiep: "Jou ma het 4 aartappels, julle is 9 kinders, hoeveel aartappels gaan elkeen kry?"
Gatiep: "My ma's nie stupid nie, sy maak mash!"

Die tou
Gatiep sleep 'n tou die straat af en loop verby Maraai.



Maraai sê vir Gatiep: "Hoekom sleep jy die tou?"
Gatiep: "Het djy al 'n tou try stoot?"

The one and only
Gammat word aangekla dat hy vir Meraai 'n BIETS genoem het.
Tydens kruisverhoor sê Gammat: "Djy't da' boe oppie balcony gastaan, en ek da' onner innie straat."
"Ja," sê Meraai.
"Daar was mos baie mense by djou oppie balcony," sê Gammat.
"Ja," sê Meraai.
"Nou hoe wiet djy dan ek het met djou gapraat?"
"Omlat ek die enigste BIETS daar was," sê Meraai.

Selle ou storie
Die Regter kyk vir Gammat in die oog en sê:
'Dis nou die 6de jaar na mekaar dat jy in my hof in die beskuldigdebank staan.
''Djou honour,' sê Gammat, 'moenie vir my blame omlat jy nie promotion kan kry nie.'

Massa
Juffrou vra vir Gatiep om sinne te maak met "gewig" en " massa ". Gatiep se antwoord:
My pa sê vir my ma, "Djy moet gewig veloer djou vetgat".
Dan sê my ma, "Djou massa moer!"

South African Municipal Services

There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole, the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I appreciate the effort you are putting into your work, but what's the story? You dig a hole and your partner follows behind and fills it up again." . The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed,

"Eish, normally we are a three-man team, but the guy who plants the trees, he is sick today!"

********************************* ********************************************
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for

Blood plasma.
********************************* ******************************************
No piece of paper can be folded in half

More than seven (7) times. Oh go ahead...I'll wait...
****************************************************************************
Donkeys kill more people annually

Than plane crashes or shark attacks. (So, watch your Ass )
************************************************************************
You burn more calories sleeping

Than you do watching television.
**************************************************************************
Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.
****************************************************************************
The first product to have a bar code

Was Wrigley's gum.
*************************************************************************
The King of Hearts is the only king

WITHOUT A MOUSTACHE
***************************************************************************
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive

From each salad served in first-class.
**************************************************************************
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

(Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you ?)
(That women are going the 'right' direction...?)

*********************************************************************
Apples, not caffeine,

Are more efficient at waking you up in the morning .
************************************ ***********************************
Most dust particles in your house are made from

DEAD SKIN !
************************************************************************ ****
The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.

So did the first 'Marlboro Man'.
***************************************************************************
Walt Disney was afraid

OF MICE!
**************************************************************************
PEARLS DISSOLVE

IN VINEGAR !
*********************************************************************
The three most valuable brand names on earth:
Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
**********************************************************************
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...

But, not downstairs.

************************************************************************
A duck's quack doesn't echo,

And no one knows why.
************************************************************************
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to
Avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

(I keep my toothbrush in the living room now !)
***************************************************

And the best for last....

Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(I know some people like that, don't YOU ?)

So......................

This is a great country because:
1. You can eat half dried meat and not be considered disgusting.

2.. Nothing is your fault, you can blame it all on apartheid.

3. You get to buy a new car every 3 months and the insurance company even pays for it.

4. You can experience pathetic service in eleven official languages.

5. Where else can you get oranges with 45% alcohol content at rugby matches?

6. It's the only country in the world where striking workers show how angry they are by dancing.

7. You're considered clumsy if you cannot: use a cell phone (without car kit), change CDs,
drink a beer, put on make-up, read the newspaper and smoke,
all at the same time while driving a car at 160 kph in a 60 kph zone.

8. Great accent. (!!!)

9. If you live in Johannesburg, you get to brag about living in the
most dangerous city in the world.

10. Burglar bars become a feature, and a great selling point for your house.

11. You can decorate your garden walls with barbed wire.

12. The tow-trucks are the first on the scene for most major crimes, without being called.
The police you have to call about three times.

13. Votes have to be recounted until the right party wins.

14. Illegal immigrants leave the country because the crime rate is too high.

15. The police ask you if they must follow up on the burglary you've just reported.

16. A murderer gets a 6 month sentence and a pirate TV viewer 2 years.

17. The prisoners strike and get to vote in elections!

18. The police stations have panic buttons to call armed response when they are burgled

19. Police cars are fitted with immobilisers and gearlocks!

20. Condoms for free - shopping plastic bags for sale

Ja nee!! Dis lekker hier!!

'To the Previously Disadvantaged'


We are sorry that our ancestors were intelligent, advanced and daring enough to explore the wild oceans to discover new countries and develop them.


We are sorry that those who came before us took you out of the bush and taught you that there was more to life than beating drums, killing each other and chasing animals with sticks and stones.


We are sorry that they planned, funded and developed roads, towns, mines, factories, airports and harbours, all of which you now claim to be your long deprived inheritance giving you every right to change and rename these at your discretion.

We are sorry that our parents taught us the value of small but strong families, to not breed like rabbits and end up as underfed, diseased, illiterate shack dwellers living in poverty.

We are sorry that when the evil apartheid government provided you with schools, you decided they'd look better without windows or in piles of ashes.

We happily gave up those bad days of getting spanked in our all white Schools for doing something wrong, and much prefer these days of freedom where problems can be resolved with knives and guns.


We are sorry that it is hard to shake off the bitterness of the past when you keep on raping, torturing and killing our friends and family members, and then hide behind the fence of 'human rights' with smiles on your faces.

We are sorry that we do not trust the government... We have no reason to be so suspicious because none of these poor "hard working intellectuals" have ever been involved in any form of "corruption or irregularities".


We are sorry that we do not trust the police force and, even though they have openly admitted that they have lost the war against crime and criminals, we should not be negative and just ignore their corruption and carry on hoping for the best.

We are sorry that it is more important to you to have players of colour in our national teams than winning games and promoting patriotism. We know that sponsorship doesn't depend on a team's success.

We are sorry that our border posts have been flung open and now left you competing for jobs against illegal immigrants from our beautiful neighbouring countries. All of these countries that have grown into economic powerhouses after kicking out the 'settlers'.

We are sorry that we don't believe in witchcraft, beetroot and garlic cures, urinating on street corners, virginity testing, slaughtering of bulls in our back yards, trading women for cattle and other barbaric practices. Maybe we just grew up differently.

We are sorry that your medical care, water supplies, roads, railways and electricity supplies are going down the toilet because skilled people who could have planned for and resolved these issues
had to be thrown away because they were of the wrong ethnic background and now have to work in foreign countries where their skills are highly appreciated.

We are so sorry that we'd like this country to fulfil its potential so we can once again be proud South Africans.

The Previously Advantaged'

Jacob Zuma was out jogging one morning when he tripped, fell down a bank and landed in the water below.

Before the Security detail guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, 'I want to go to the Aquarium in Cape Town ' Jacob said, 'No problem, I'll take you there on my special President's aeroplane.'

The second kid said, 'I want seasonal rugby tickets.' Jacob said, 'I'll get them for you and even have the teams sign memorabilia for you!'

The third kid said, 'I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!'

Jacob was a little perplexed by this and said, 'But you don't look like you're handicapped.'

The kid said, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning!'

Here we go again!

Berei julle maar voor vir nog baie meer vrot taal soos hierdie. Vandag
> se skoolverlaters sonder taal
>
> gaan een van die dae die ouers wees wat hierdie briewe skryf....
>
> Skool afwesigheidsbriefies
>
> * Verskoon asseblief Lisa se afwesigheid. Sy was baie siek en die
> dokter het gesê sy moet dit afslaap, en toe het ek haar laat uitsit.
>
> * Geagte Skool, Dawie was afwesigheid gewees op Maart 29, 30, 32, 32
> en ook 33.
>
> * Joylene was nie by die skool nie, want hulle het haar verstaantande
> geslaag.
>
> * Verskoon asseblief vir Pierre , dis sy pa se skuld.
>
> * Santie was nie by die skool nie, want ek is 'n enkelouer en was in
> die bed met Giep.
>
> * Maryann was awesig van die 11e tot die 16e.. Sy het 'n keel, 'n
> maag en 'n kop. Haar sussie ook. Daar moet iets aan die gang wees, want
> hulle pa was ook gisteraand warm.
>
> * My dogter was gister afwesig, want sy was moeg. Sy was op 'n KJV
> kamp en het 'n rowwe naweek gehad.
>
> * Sally wil liewers vandag na 'n begrafnis toe gaan.
>
> * Jennifer was gister nie by die skool nie, want ons het gedink
> Maandag is Sondag.** treffer!
>
> * Vir wie ook al hierdie moet lees - Janco sal nie more skool toekom
> nie, hy en sy pa is op jag.
>
> * Jan-Jan het nie sy huiswerk gedoen nie, nou dwing hy my om 'n
> verskoning uit te dink. U is sy klashoof, dink u liewers een uit. Ek
> het vyf kinders en 'n man en is op gedink.***Briljant

Jacob Zuma, Shabir Shaik and Julius
> Malema are flying on the
> Presidential jet to a gathering in Cape Town when Shaik
> turns to Zuma
> and says, chuckling,'You know, I could throw a R1000
> note out the
>
> window right now and make someone very happy
> .'
>
> Zuma shrugs and replies, 'Well,
> I could throw ten R100 notes out the
> window and make ten people happy.'.
>
> Not to be outdone, Malema says, 'Well I could throw a
> hundred R10
>
> notes out the window and make a hundred people happy.'
>
> The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot,
> 'Such arrogant
> jerks back there. Heck, I could throw all three of them out
> the window
> and make 52 million people happy

These questions about South Africa were posted on a South African Tourism Website and were answered by the website owner (great sense of humour!).

Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa ? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? ( UK )
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only two thousand kilometres take lots of water...

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa ? ( Sweden )
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes...

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa ? Can you send me a list of them in JHB, Cape Town , Knysna and Jeffrey's Bay? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South Africa? ( USA )
A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific. A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which does not...oh forget it. Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday night in Hillbrow. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is north in South Africa ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa ? ( UK )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Hillbrow, straight after the Koala Bear races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa ? ( France )
A: No, WE don 't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere where a significant number of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Are there killer bees in South Africa ? ( Germany )
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year round?
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can di spense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I was in South Africa in 1969, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you will probably still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

Kyk die Hollanders het maar 'n ander manier om dinge uit te spreek!

Graagt wil onze u voorstellen aan de nuwen wyn uit de Kaap.
Goeden zagten wyn mit volronden smaakt, genaamd Zoemfokt.
U vrage mag wees , waarom de snaakste naam?
Goedwel, de kom van't : eers Zoem de kop van't wyn en dan fokt u neer...

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT.

SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM . . . 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'


'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'

'How much do you charge?' 'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.
'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money!

A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'
'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now! ! ! '

Juffrou vra die klas of hulle weet wie is Jacob Zuma.

Jannie spring op " Ek weet juffrou, hy is die weerman op die TV".

Juffrou is gepuzzle en vra dan nou hoekom hy so dink.

Jannie antwoord dat elke slag as Zuma op die TV is, dan sê sy pa " daar is die
Donner weer "...

Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'


* * * * * * * * * * *


Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'


* * * * * * * * * * *


The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said,
'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'


* * * * * * * * * * *


Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?'


* * * * * * * * * * *


Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .'