lees!!!!!!!

The sharing of marriage...

The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered

(Continue below - This is great)






















'THE TEETH.'

FFS....lmao

Economics

It is the month of August, on the shores of the Black Sea. It is
raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. It is tough times,
everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town.

He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 Euro note on the reception counter,
and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one.

The hotel proprietor takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to
the butcher.

The Butcher takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the pig
grower.

The pig grower takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the
supplier of his feed and fuel.

The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay
his debt to the town's prostitute that in these hard times, gave her
"services" on credit.

The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 Euro
note to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when
she brought her clients there.

The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 Euro note back on the counter so
that the rich tourist will not suspect anything.

At that moment, the rich tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms,
and takes his 100 Euro note, after saying that he did not like any of
the rooms, and leaves town.

No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, and
looks to the future with a lot of optimism.

*THE THREE NUNS *

*THREE NUNS WERE ATTENDING A RUGBY FINAL.. *
*THREE MEN WERE SITTING DIRECTLY BEHIND.. *
*BECAUSE THEIR HABITS WERE PARTIALLY BLOCKING THE VIEW, THE MEN DECIDED
TO BADGER THE NUNS HOPING THAT THEY'D GET ANNOYED ENOUGH TO MOVE TO
ANOTHER AREA.. *
*IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID, "I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO
SYDNEY ... THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE.."*
*THEN THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO TASMANIA ...
THERE ARE ONLY 50 NUNS LIVING THERE.." *
*THE THIRD GUY SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO NEW ZEALAND ... THERE ARE ONLY 25
NUNS LIVING THERE..." *
* *
*ONE OF THE NUNS TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT THE MEN, AND IN A VERY SWEET
AND CALM VOICE SAID, *

*"WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL .. THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS THERE!" *

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream,

"Where did you get that car?"

He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents.

We know what a Porsche costs.."

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."

So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they asked.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. Don't know her name-they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."

"Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."

Koos was walking through his veld one day when he spots someone drinking water from a pool.

He shouts, "Moenie die water drink nie, dis vol skaap kak".

The other guy says, "I'm Australian mate, speak English!"

Koos replies, "Use both hands, you get more that way".

Question:

What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS?



Answer:



A crazy b!tch who will find you

A Blond from Pretoria is sitting in the bar with two guys beside her.

The first guy says to the barman, "Johnnie Walker. Single."

And the second blurts, "Jack Daniels. single."

At that, the bartender approaches the lady and asks, "And you ma'am?"

She answers:

"Katryn van der Merwe, married."

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF.
2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
3. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT - USE THE SINK.
4. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
5. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
6. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - Q20 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE Q20. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
8. REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.
9. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

Jo1, ken jy miskien die website: www.gpsa.co.za dink jy sal dit nogal geniet.

Koos ry in digte mis en kan nie goed sien nie. Hy besluit om

die motor voor hom se agterliggies te volg. Skielik stop die motor en

Koos ry DOEF! in hom vas.



Koos vlieg uit sy kar en skree op die ander bestuurder: "Hoekom

stop jy so skielik??"

"Omdat," brul die man, "ek in my garage is!"

Twee boeties, Gert en Koos het 'n sak vol lemoene by hulle huis gesteel

en het besluit om na die naaste begrafplaas te hardloop waar hulle dit

eweredig onder mekaar sou verdeel. Toe hulle by die groot staalhekke kom

om die begrafplaas binne te gaan, val twee lemoene uit die sak en word

net daar gelos.



'n Papdronk man oppad terug van die kroeg loop naas die begrafplaas

verby en hoor toe die volgende.: Een vir my en een vir jou, Een vir my

en een vir jou.



Hy skrik homself sommer dadelik nugter en hardloop so vinnig soos wat

sy voete hom kan dra na die naaste priester.



"Priester, kom saam met my om te getuig hoe God en Satan lyke uitdeel

in die begrafplaas.". Hulle altwee hardloop na die begrafplaas en die

stemme gaan voort. Een vir my en een vir jou, een vir my en een vir jou!

Skielik sê die een stem.: "Nou wat van die twee by die hek?".



Die priester was die een wat die vinnigste daar weg is!!!...

Philemon had a bad attendance record with the company he worked for, particularly being late for work in the morning. He was called to a disciplinary hearing where he was given a chance to explain his reasons.

His argument: "I get up in de morning. I shower, I look in de mirror and try tuh
Straiten my hair. Den I sumtimes miss de texi and den I am late."
His boss has a bright idea. He gets one of Philemon's colleagues to sneak into
Philemon's room and steal the mirror off the wall, without Philemon's knowledge.
The following day Philemon does not turn up for work. The same happens the day after
That. So Philemon gets summoned to another hearing to explain his reasons for not
Attending work.
His argument: "I get up in de morning. I shower, I look in de mirror. I see no Philemon.
I think Philemon already he left for work"

A bear, a lion and a pig meet.

Bear says: "if I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear."

Lion says: "if I roar in the jungle, the entire jungle is afraid of me."

Pig says: "big deal.... I only have to cough, and the entire planet shits itself."

WHAT THE HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAH the break dancer

shame

My moer hy is mos nou 'n expert!! :haha :stupid

Die ou ry te vinnig en 'n spietkop trek hom af. Toe hy sy venster
> oopdraai, haak die spietkop af en gee hom 'n taai klap.
> Bestuurder (Verboureerd): Waarvoor was dit?
> Spietkop: As ek jou stop en jy maak jou venster oop, moet jou
> Bestuurslisensie reeds in jou hand wees! Moenie my tyd mors nie!
> Die spietkop loop om die motor en klop by die passasier se venster.
> Die bestuurder se pel draai sy venster af en WHAP, klap die Spietkophom
> ook.
> Passasier (Verskrik): Hei, ek bestuur nie, waarvoor is dit?
> Spietkop: Ek het gou jou wens vervul....
> Passasier: Watter wens is dit nogal?
> Spietkop: Sodra julle hier weg ry en voor jy en jou tjommie oor die eerste
> bult
> was, sou jy vir hom gesê het "Hy moes daai k@k met MY getraai het..."

Two Large Garbage Bags

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bdgs behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a
£20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are £20 bills falling out of your bag."

"Oh, really? Darn!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? "You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no", said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee
through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I
say, '£20 or off it comes'.

"Well, that seems only fair" laughs the cop. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know", "not everybody pays".

Lol, thanks 4 the laughter jo1

Bongani grew up in Johannesburg . He went to law school in London After his studies he decided to go back to Johannesburg,because he could be a big powerful man and he opened his new law office.

The first day, he saw a man coming up to his office and decided to make a big impression.

As the man came to the door, Bongani pretended to be on the phone and motioned the man to take a seat.

Bongani spoke into the phone: "No. Absolutely no. You tell those clowns in New York that am not travelling all the way that side to settle the case for less than a million bucks .

"Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear the case next week.
"I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support.

"Okay. Give the State Prosecutor my regards and ..."

The visitor sat patiently as Bongani rattled instructions.

Finally, Bongani put down the telephone and said: "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"

The man said: "I'm from Telkom... I've come to connect your phone."

Wat's die verskil tussen 'n goeie sekretaresse en 'n BAIE goeie sekretaresse?
'n Goeie sekretaresse sê: "Goeie môre, Meneer!"
'n Baie goeie sekretaresse sê: "Goeiste, Meneer, dis al môre!" :laugh:

Oom wat verkeersman was , kry Alzheimer en gaan ouetehuis toe.
Daar reël hy die verkeer van rystoele en looprame in die gange.
Een oggend vergeet hy om sy broek aan te trek, hy stop 'n tannie in die rystoel.
Toe sy voor hom stop kyk sy so in Meneer vas: "Ag Vader, moet ons nou vanmore nog in die pypie blaas ook!" :laugh:

"Dokter, ek het infeksie!"
"Mevrou, hoeveel keer het jy seks?"
"So een keer 'n maand."
"Mevrou, dit is nie infeksie nie, dis ROES." :haha

:haha :clapclap

Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig.
When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said,"Paddy, me ol'mate, how are we going to tell who owns which Fookin' Pig?"
Paddy says, "Well Paddy, I'll cut one of te ears off my Fookin Pig, and ten we can tell them apart."
"Ah, dat id be grand," says Paddy.
This worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy stormed into the house. "Paddy" he said, "Your Fookin Pig has chewed the ear off my Fookin Pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with one ear each. How are we going to tell who owns which fookin pig.?"
"Well Paddy," says Paddy,"I'll cut ta other ear off my fookin pig. Ten we'll ave two fookin pigs and only one of them will avan ear"
. "Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.
Again, this worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy again stormed into the house. "Paddy", he said, "Your fookin pig has chewed the other ear offa my fookin pig!!!." "Now, we got two fookin pigs with no fookin ears!!!. How we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?"
"Ah, dis is serious, Paddy" said Paddy. " I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll cut de tail offa my fookin pig. Den we'll av two fookin pigs with no fookin ears and only one fookin tail."
"Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.
Another couple of weeks went by and..........you guessed it, Paddy stormed into the house once more. "PADDY," shouted Paddy, "YOUR FOOKIN PIG HAS CHEWED THE FOOKIN TAIL OFFA MY FOOKIN PIG, AND NOW WE GOT TWO FOOKIN PIGS WITH NO FOOKIN EARS AND NO FOOKIN
TAILS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. HOW DE FOOK ARE WE GONNA FOOKIN TELL 'EM APART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Ah, Fook it" says Paddy, "how's about you have the black one, and I'll have da white one."

Difference between potentially and reality.

Youngest son to dad: whats the difference between potentially and reality?

Dad says: i will show you
he turns to his wife and asks her would you sleep with george cloney for a million dollors?
Wife says yes off course, i would never waste such an opportunity!

Then he asks his daughter, would you sleep with brad pitt for a million dollors?
She replies: wow! Yes! Thats my fantasy!

He turns to his eldest son and asks him would you sleep with tom cruise for a million dollors?
He replies: yeah, why not. Imagine what i could do with all that money!

So the father turns back to his youngest son saying you see son, potentially we are sitting with 3 million dollors but in reality we are living with 2 hookers and a moffie!